Therapy at the Candy Counter

Well, since most everyone has already broken their New Year's resolution to lose weight, PJ thought it would be a good time to revisit one of his columns from yesteryear.

And so in the interest of better understanding yourself: Here's what your candy selection reveals about your personality.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: No longer available at PJ's, RPBC's used to be the classic choice of the Hedonists among you. These pleasure seekers wanted it all – in two, and in extreme cases, one big disgusting self indulgent bite. They wanted it sweet. They wanted it salty. They wanted it soft. They wanted it mouth wateringly chocolaty. They wanted it peanut buttery. They wanted it all. And, now, alas, because of the terrible onslaught of children's allergic reactions to peanut butter, they long for the past as they watch their movie in unrequited longing.

Sour Patch Kids: When ordered by children – perfectly normal. When ordered by adults, very revealing. These subjects still revel in childish pleasure. Yes, they have never really grown up. They are to be admired, though, for their unabashedness. Caution, however, must be exercised since it has been determined that the adult tongue may partially dissolve from contact with this curious confection of sweet, yet sour tartness.

SnoCaps: Classic delayed gratification save-the-best-for-last personality type. These individuals ALWAYS make the pack last the ENTIRE movie. How? By eating them infuriatingly slow. One SnoCap at a time. Ahhh, those small pleasures. And, when no one is looking, during an especially dark scene, yes, they moisten their index finger and dab up the little white dots. Every last one. YUM!

Twizzlers: These subjects, not unlike high-chaired toddlers, love to play with their food. And best of all, they can do it without getting their hands dirty! A not altogether unhealthy practice.

Popcorn: Traditionalists. Great lovers of film. Lots of nervous energy most often generated from total immersion into the movies involving actual loss of self-awareness. A few kernels are always taken home inside their shirts for afters!

Raisinettes: Self Delusionary. These subjects have convinced themselves that their junk food is, in fact, a healthy snack. Raisinetters often rationalize their other bad habits. Deep inside, however, they know.

Hershey Bars: Thick Hershey bars are enjoyed by no nonsense seekers of chocolate gratification. These types are straightforward and down to earth. Pragmatic by nature, they seek not an embellished snack. The chocolate is what matters. It's all that matters. Presentation matters little. 

Chocolate Covered Almonds: Luxury-minded sophisticated types. I want quality. I deserve the best. I demand it. Cost is no object. Often seen wearing fur.

Cappuccino with Whipped Cream and Lots of Chocolate Chunks: Each bodily cell of these subjects is screaming to be replenished with caffeine, chocolate, sugar, and fat. Those ordering a large may need to watch a double feature to provide time to come back down to earth.

Dots: Seekers of oral gratification. Bottle-fed as infants, these adults seek socially acceptable reasons to put their fingers into their mouths, which is, of course, necessary since each Dot lodges itself between the molars requiring it to be physically unstuck.

KitKat: These subjects have transitioned to KitKats from Hershey Bars because of their need for straight lines when breaking the sections. They are obsessive, overly organized types who have no messy drawers or closets in their homes.

Well, did we nail your special choice and/or personality disorder?

Oh, and by the way, by reversing the process, PJ believes that you can practice self-help and acquire the traits associated with candies you wouldn't ordinarily consume. Simply refer to the above list and look for any traits you wish to acquire.   Then purchase and eat that candy. You will get results almost immediately.

For example, looking for order in your life? Eat KitKats. Looking to raise your standards? Smack down some Chocolate Almonds. Looking for some childish pleasures? Fill your mouth with Sour Patch Kids. OK, you got the picture?  Good.

See you at the concession stand.